


i am an hourglass

by asexuelf



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Gender-Neutral Hawke (Dragon Age), Hawke's gender is not specified, M/M, Poison, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, and no pronouns are used for hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 03:09:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21439243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexuelf/pseuds/asexuelf
Summary: Fenris speaks, but Hawke doesn't hear him.
Relationships: Fenris/Female Hawke, Fenris/Hawke (Dragon Age), Fenris/Male Hawke
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	i am an hourglass

**Author's Note:**

> this is a somewhat romanticized depiction of suicide that i wrote to cope with my own suicidal ideation. this is not a realistic depiction of suicide nor is it meant to give the reader the idea that suicide is glamorous or a way to free themself of pain.
> 
> suicide is painful. even when it's hard (impossible, even) to feel that way, suicide is not the answer.
> 
> lecture out of the way, i hope you find some solace or entertainment here. thanks for stopping by.

"You cannot save me."

It's spat out something ugly, thick and wretched in the air between them. Hawke takes it as an insult, says _ if my advances are unwanted then tell me without the dramatics, _but it's not a curse or a threat. It's a plea.

Please don't try. Please don't fight for a cause that cannot be won.

But Hawke is the champion of the lost. The plea goes unheard.

-

"You know I cannot be fixed."

It's spoken so quiet. A whisper to break the silence. His voice breaks too.

Hawke says _ you don't need fixing_. Some part of Fenris laughs. He lays his head a little closer to Hawke's on the pillow they share. Their foreheads touch and Fenris does not cry and he does not laugh.

The room is still.

-

"We should make good of the time we have."

_ But we have so much time, _ a lie that Hawke believes is true. Something that has not been true for Fenris in a very long time. _ There's no rush. We can go slow. We can stop and smell the daisies. _

They cannot go slow. The hourglass runs out before anyone knows it's been turned.

Fenris has been watching that sand for a very long time.

"I'm sorry."

Hawke doesn't understand. Fenris doesn't either.

-

"Thank you."

Hawke is gentle. Hawke is smiling. _ What did I do this time? _

"You've made my time worthwhile."

_ Worthwhile? _ Something about that makes Hawke laugh. He is so glad to hear it. It is a beautiful sound. _ You didn't expect our evening to go well? _

"I did. I always do. I know I will be happy when you're around and you always exceed my expectations. That's what I'm thanking you for."

The grin Hawke gives to him is bright and broad. Fenris wants it to be the last thing he sees.

He drinks the wine. It is bitter in a way it never is, but sweeter because of it.

"I am tired now." When it is all swallowed. Before the effect begins. Hawke stands as if to make to Fenris' bed. "Actually- I think I will sleep alone tonight. But know this and always know it: I love you."

_ I love you, too, Fenris. I hope you find rest. _

And then Hawke is gone. The door closes and the world spins. It is not painless, but he knew that when the hourglass first turned over. He knew that when the first grain of sand was pulled to the bottom.

Fenris lies in his bed until the pain stops.

He will never know if Hawke is the one that finds him.

**Author's Note:**

> please do not recommend therapy or suicide hotlines to me. i am aware of those.
> 
> thank you for reading.


End file.
